Air Force One

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al,
chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window
right now and make someone very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and
says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10
people very happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and
says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a
hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them
and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the
whole country happy!"


Clinton and Gore

Clinton and Gore are sitting around in the oval office, shooting the
breeze. After a while, as expected, the Lewinsky situation came up. Gore
says, You know Bill, I just think we have different mindsets about things.
For example, I don't believe in premarital sex. I never slept with Tipper
before we got married. How about you?" Clinton paused and thought, then
said, "I don't know Al, what was her maiden name again?




Gore Quotes

- Al Gore, July 1999
Great quotes by our wonderful VP.
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
--Vice President Al Gore
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history, I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was
that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
people."
--Vice President Al Gore
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
--Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
--Vice President Al Gore
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Al Gore
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
--Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and
that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
--Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
--Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
the future."
--Vice President Al Gore "The future will be better tomorrow."
--Vice President Al Gore
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore "I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore (Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my
answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore
may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore





Presidential Lunch

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read
the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to
order, sir?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current
situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll
come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU." She
walks away.
Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'…"





The Last Thing

The Last Thing you would ever hear a woman say.....
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
11. I think belching is really sexy.
12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend. 13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you
see other women.
15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.
16. I love a good cigar after sex.
17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
18. Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one day.
21. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson
fight at a bar.
23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again
today. 25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
26. I understand.
27. You don't swear enough.
28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.
29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and
we can spend the money we save on beer.
30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
32. I think I'll call him up and ask him out.
33. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl
a slut! She's just really friendly.
34. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
35. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
36. Oh yeah, any hole you want.
The Last Thing you would ever hear a man say......

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Her tits are just too big.
5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
6. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
11. Hey look, there's a wool and fabric shop! Let's go buy something.
12. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books? 14. Do these jeans come in lavender?
15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you. You go on ahead.
16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.
17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.
18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. My butt's too big. 19. It's OK, I'll sleep in the wet spot.
20. I know you just blew me but I need a kiss.
21. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
22. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when
she's getting ready for bed? Maybe I should tell her.
24. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them
any more.
26. I understand.
27. This movie has too much nudity.
28. Damn, we're late for church!
29. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.
30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue. 31. Over-sized t-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat chicks.
32. Slow down, you move too fast. You've got to make the morning last.
33. Put some panties on for Christ's sake!
34. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
35. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
36. Hey, watermelon bathroom air-freshener pot-pourri. Let's get some!





"The President Must Die"

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter.
Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President
Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty pissed off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody
wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it
in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did
it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare
ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there!
Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that
evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr.
President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The
results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." Clinton says "Oh my
god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's
handwriting."






'Twas two weeks past elections

'Twas two weeks past elections,
when all through Palm Beach.
Only lawyers were stirring, the blood sucking leech.
The ballots were held to the light with great care,
in hopes that a dot or a dimple'd be there.
The voters were nestled all snug in their beds,
while nightmares of pregnant chads danced in their heads.
And Bush back in Austin, and Gore in DC,
had just rattled the courts over votes absentee.
When out on the beach there arose such a clatter,
the counters stopped counting to see what's the matter.
Away to the shore lawyers flew like a flash,
the out of state protesters started to clash.
When what to our wondering eyes was bestowed,
but Air Force One and eight interns in tow. What came off the plane gave us all quite a chill,
we knew in a moment 'twas our buddy Bill.
More buxom than hookers, his courses they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
Now Bambi, Now Suzie! Now Candy and Tasha!
On Cassie! On Dana! On Patsy and Sasha!
So up to the courthouse the courses they flew,
arms full of subpoenas, and Hillary too.
He was chubby and plump, a jolly old geezer,
I laughed when I saw him, misguided appeaser.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, told all of us there, we had something to dread.
He spoke not a word to the Canvassing Board,
the ballots and punch cards he started to hoard.
He sprang from the courthouse, away to the jet,
before they all left, he made one final threat.
I'm tired of the lawsuits, the counting, the strife,
so I'm making myself your leader for life.
If that's not enough and for those who want more,
my wonderful wife will replace poor Al Gore.
We heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, the GOP bites"







Virus
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Then executes and just
lies.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus : Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus : Every three minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.
The MCI virus : Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and
we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50%
to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich
ones.
Bill Clinton virus: Displays only marijuana leaf bit-map files for
Windows background.
Bill Clinton virus: Protests your computer's involvement in other
computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 15
years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically
with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the
problem.
Al Gore virus: Causes your computer to be unable to recognize George
Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln.
Al Gore virus: Turns your computer off to save Earth's energy resources right after displaying message instructing you to go hug a tree.
Al Gore virus: Causes your screen saver to dance like a hideous
macarana.
Bob Dole virus: Affects Word for Windows so you are unable to type
complete sentences.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child
processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee.
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim
to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent
of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin
of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it
until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800
number.
Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a harmful virus, but thank God it
refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly
altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash
your car.
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of
your screen.
Paul Revere virus : This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by
C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa
Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus : Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can
wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus : Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first
see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Pro-Abortion virus: Only displays A)bort A)bort A)bort.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: splits the screen into two with a message in
each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75
years.